So I wrote this a few years ago, just happened by it today so I thought I would share.
There was a show called, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, maybe there still is. This is kind of a sketch I guess. Litney is visibly pregnant but doesn’t get it.
John Bowersocs – Correspondent for I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
Litney Bangston – Didn’t know she was pregnant
John – Hi, is it Mrs. Or Ms. Bangston?
Litney – Well it is Ms. of course, with school and all I haven’t really had the time to settle down and look for Mr. Right to make me a Mrs.
John – That is totally understandable. As you know my show generally relays the story of young ladies, much like you, that were pregnant and didn’t know it. This is the first time that we have actually had the chance to talk to someone while they were pregnant and didn’t realize it.
Litney – As I told the nice lady on the phone, I have no idea what you are referring to?! I have had a little weight gain, but I have been under a lot of pressure with school and stuff…. you know, the whole freshman 15 and what not.
John – We’ve all been there. (sticks out belly) About your noted “weight gain”, does it seem to you that it is oddly focused in one area?
Litney – We Bangston women have always carried the load right here (touches belly) in the baby maker. My great grandma looked like a potbellied little old man by the time she passed…course she did have a lot of facial hair.
John – Sounds like a lovely lady. Let’s go another route. Have you been to the doctor for a checkup in the past few months?
Litney – Dad lost his job at the mill a year ago, so I really don’t have insurance right now. I do check my vitals on that machine at Wal Mart and everything looks good…except for this little weight gain. (rubs belly) I have been eating a lot, almost eating enough for two people.
John – (cuts in) Exactly, could it be that you are eating for two?
Litney – My family has always had good appetites. Down out Mimi’s Café my brother finished the 5 pound burger challenge in ½ hour.
John – That is phenomenal. Not to embarrass you, but how is your love life, any suitors knocking at your door?
Litney – As I mentioned I have been so busy lately with school that there just hasn’t been time…there was this really nice fella in town about 6 months ago. He travels around the country fixing wheels and such on carts at the Wal Mart. He was here for a few days and I thought we really had something. My ma said he was bad news, but he had a sparkle in his eye that just set my loins a blaze… oh my, sorry about that, please don’t share that.
John – And you say that was around 6 months ago?
Litney – Yes, best weekend of my life!
John – Not to be blunt, but maybe things got a little heated and you just didn’t realize what was happening.
Litney – I not the type to kiss and tell, but it did definitely get heated… but it’s OK, he was on the pill.
John – Not to alarm you Ms. Bangston, but I am not familiar with any male contraception pill that is currently on the market?
Litney – And I thought I was sheltered? Harley told me it was European, very cutting edge stuff. His sister had been over there studying opera and had sent it back to him. He showed me the bottle, some French name… it started with a V. So no worries, those French people know a lot about the ways of love.
John – Truly fascinating story. Did Harley happen to leave his number; I would love to talk to him, sounds like a fascinating guy.
Litney – Wouldn’t you know, it just happened that shortly after he left here, he was promoted to regional manager in charge of cart repair in the Southern Provinces of China. He promised that once he got settled he would get in contact with me, he might even send me a ticket to visit him. That reminds me that I really got to work on this little bump I got going…Harley don’t like ‘em plump.
John – I have (reach into pocket) a very simple home pregnancy test. Would you be willing to take it just to set the record straight?
Litney – Mr. Bowersocs, I don’t know what kind of girl you think I am, but I don’t just let any guy that shows up here start sticking probes in me!
John – No, no, no… my intent is not to stick anything anywhere, trust me, furthest from my mind. This is a very simple test, you can take right there in your bathroom.
Litney – My momma told me about them tests. My cousin Sundrop had never even been with a man, took one of those tests and then ended up pregnant a week later. I want no part of that.
John – Well it has definitely been a pleasure speaking with you. Here is my card, I would love it if you would give me a call in a few months.
Litney – Thanks for coming to see me, I will tell all my friends to watch your show, sorry I wasn’t pregnant. Whoa! Those chilly dogs are hitting bottom. Heartburn almost feels like it’s kickin.