Apocalypse Now

I am not going to survive the apocalypse.
What apocalypse you might ask?
You pick the genre: zombie, climate change, nuclear, Maya predicted or other. Regardless the agent, I don’t think I will make it.
A year ago it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind. Sure there have been self-appointed prognosticators of doom since biblical times, I have always written them off as a bit kooky. Historians have been debating the validity of the Mayan’s end of time prediction for the past couple years, I really don’t pay them any attention. Ever since the Invasion of the Body Snatchers played on the big screen, human demise has been fodder for movie makers, I could have cared less.
That is until National Geographic aired Doomesday Preppers in January, now I fear the end is near, Nat Geo wouldn’t miss lead us, would they?
It is not that I question my ingenuity or even my survival skills, but there are at least a couple of things that concern me.
Good preppers are amassing huge amounts of nonperishable foods. My family could start buying a little bit at a time and store it in the coal room in the basement, no big deal. The problem is that I keep having this dream. In it a cataclysmic event occurs. We board up the house and barricade ourselves in the basement. Moments later I hear my daughter shriek, I find her kneeling in the corner, clutching empty pudding containers.
“Why, father?! Why?!” she exclaims.
My stomach got the best of me, it always does. While surfing the web it seems I decided it better to dip into our stash than walk upstairs to grab a snack. I am weak, no excuses. With a good portion of our rations gone we are forced to forage for the five foods most sources say will survive such an event: Jell-O, Twinkies, processed cheese, Spam and nondairy creamers. I am sure that the Twinkies could hold us for a couple of weeks. Spam isn’t actually that bad if you can get past the ingredients, but we are talking about months, possibly years. How many cheesy Spam Jell-O casseroles can one eat? No delivery, no drive through, total despair.
Let’s say we make it past the food. The other big concern I have is what will we do with our free time? Sure, searching for food and shelter will consume a lot more of our time but the full-time job will be gone, there will be an off set. If you are lucky enough to be involved in a zombie apocalypse, zombie hunting could provide some sport, but what about a nuclear winter? That would be like an endless family road trip, with no stops.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family but there has to be a balance. Movie studios will undoubtedly be gone, as will all the major networks. There might be a few public access channels that pop up but you can only watch so much of, This Old Basement. Professional sports will take decades to reorganize, meaning no Super Bowl or World Series. If cellular service is somehow salvaged, Facebook will be reduced to ‘Yet another day in the bunker’ status updates and even the cleverest of Twitter tweeters will run out of material.
Soon we would be at each other’s throats. Maybe with no other outlet my family starts an improv group. Initially we just perform to entertain each other. Our skills sharpen as the days pass.
Some months later we air a radio show called Sheehanigans, broadcasted via equipment pieced together from an abandoned college. Soon after we receive endorsement deals from Jell-O and Spam. We add-on to the basement, complete with indoor greenhouse and spa.
On second thought, maybe I am ready for the apocalypse; change isn’t always a bad thing.


One thought on “Apocalypse Now

  1. I’ve always said “The worst thing about the zombie apocalypse is pretending it sucks.”

    The ability to shoot my neighbor makes it all worth it, if he hasn’t borrowed my gun without asking or returning it. Every time I step into his garage I see my tools everywhere.


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